I had to remember how I felt prior to the race and what made me step onto the start line. I had to remember that it was because I wanted to feel that sparkle of hope to finish something and that fear of failure could only be conquered by getting to the finish line. Ah! If I only knew what I had got myself into...I wonder if I would have signed up for it.
1 week prior to the race, Mick and I had decided to run it together and do it in less than 12 hours so that we could get the 9 pm bus back to the start. The night before, I thought it would be cool if we could actually catch the 6 pm bus to be home early avoid the rain and do a sub 8hours
Lesson number 1: never changed your expectation the night before...
South Downs Way 50 starts in a college field in Worthing. We had decided to not sleep over as it was only 1h30 drive from Brixton. With egg/bacon muffin, broccoli and banana for breakfast, I was ready to tackle anything and so happy to be running it with Mick. I couldn't wait to look for Benjamin and Jacqui at the start line and chat a bit before tackling these downs. After a smooth registration (abide the space blanket panic episode) I started searching for them and gave up. There was more than 300 people plus family to look at, and I'm short and starting to get scared so never mind.
James does the briefing, we count down the seconds and there we start.When Mick signed up for the race, he said he wanted to do it with me at my pace because he didn't want to burn himself before the London Marathon and this was a training run..but 2 days prior to the race, I decided that it would be cool if actually I could follow him, and the night before telling him he could pace me for a sub 8 hours.
Lesson Number 2: never follow someone pace as the start, you don't know how too fast/slow they are going to go and you'll end up burning yourself.
Within 10 min from the start my breathing was all over the place and my legs were burning trying to keep up with Michael. Those darn downs are shallow and you end up running shallow uphill because walking seems to slow, but running is too fast. Not a great start!
After loads of effort (too much) I decide maybe I need a kick by eating something. We are now down the hill to a flatty section, I'm hot but it's 11 degrees...I walk hoping to get my breathing back to normal while chewing a starbar.
Lesson number 3: when hyperventilating and trying to cool down don't eat something sticky...or not sugary enough...you look like a camel and waste energy!
I look up and see Mick waiting for me...great that's exactly what I didn't want to be...a burden, so I force myself to run these shallow hills to comply with the fact that I am the one who want to "race".
We arrive at a part of the Stinging Stinger race route and I'm glad so see
something familiar and remembering how I felt last year. It gives a boost and I "fly down" to the first checkpoint, we are mile 11.6 The volunteers are so welcoming and caring, it gives another boost to tackle the next hill. I only take 2 glasses of coke as my stomach has become a fussy eater. Mick is so quick going up hill and I feel so low in energy. He explains that I burnt myself out and that I need to eat something with "fast" energy release. Looking at what I've got, I can't find anything "quick" enough until I remember the Cliff shots! Of course!!!
Lesson Number 4: always take cliff shots!
They
do the tricks and here I am my old self for 20 mins until we attack
another shallow hill which means...running! I can feel the Brat
starting to wake up. I tell Mick and tries to reassure me. He knows I
had taken
Ibuprofen in case of the Brat and suggest that maybe I should take it. I
say no I want to run without taking any pills this time but
after a while...I take one...because I'm slowing down and Mick is
looking at his watch....man wish I could keep up. We reach checkpoint 2. 16.6 miles. I am glad to see Emily and her team of volunteers. They take so good care of all of us and it's with a happy egg scotch stuffed face that we tackle the next hill. What a relief this one can be walked and I can get a rest from that this non-stop running. I'm still too slow, Mick keeps waiting for me so I'm having a hard time to handle this. It's my fault...why do I always have these unrealistic expectations before a race?!
Views are amazing and distract me from these dark thoughts and the funny pain I'm starting to feel on my back! I check on the Brat, Ibu is still in effect, so what's up with the back? I whine about it to Mick, poor sod! I bet you he regrets running with me now ! He reassures me, says it must be some nerve issue that's why Ibu is not working and tries to make me feel better by suggesting to take another one maybe it would do the trick! Nah proud-me doesn't want to admit I'm slow and want to be punished. I've dealt with pain before, piece of cake!
Lesson number 5: don't brag on pain handling ! You never know what comes next!
We go up and down the downs, something smells and it's not me (too early), just up there there is BACON ! Massive pigs on both sides of the trail! Never seen them this big! Not very attractive looking animals but a good distraction to the creeping back bugger! We are now going down, I tense up, this thing is not leaving and we not even half way yet, a long shallow hill awaits in the far horizon maybe I could walk it and relieve whatever is stuck up! Where is that sparkle? Looking around runners are focused to the task at hand and don't talk or smile as a matter of fact ! Weird I think I'm at the wrong end of the ruining group! At least starts-legging lady is here and makes me smile with her apparel! We go down again, path is tricky, you can't put your feet flat it's all V like with chalk and grass! A flat bit...Why is Mick looking at me weird?! Ah ya I'm crying! It's ok I say, nothing I haven't felt before! He worries and says it's not normal to cry and I look hurt. He asks if I'm enjoying this. I slow down ... Well well this is tricky! I know how to deal with the pain and drama I go through during each ultra but never thought I would have to one day explain it to my other half ...he looks quite horrified and pained to see me like this. I don't know how to reassure him. Man! This is not how I planned this !
Lesson 6: don't try to explain how you feel during an ultra, it just makes it worst!
I get frustrated to run while trying to explain my reasons for carry on and dealing with my body issues and handling the fact that if we carry on at this pace we will never catch the 6pm bus. Ah ya! Why did I suggest this again?!
I run a bit faster even thou we are in a shallow hill.
Lesson number 7: train to run shallow hills, it makes life easier
I gave up trying running up as my heart rate is going bonkers again and this back thing is now on my shoulders and neck...I need another shot!I look for Mick but he is far and has stopped waiting on top not looking too happy and worried for me...
Lesson number 8: don't beat yourself up because you can't follow someone. Run your race at the pace you can handle and not worry about the people around you.
I'm having so many bad patches that I stop counting and let the pain take over. Nothing is working to make things better and I have a really hard time coming to terms with : failing to run at the pace ( which is the familiar training pace so normally easy to handle ), knowing we are going to miss the bus because of me and not being able to control the tears and face or manage the creeping not so bearable pain.
We finally arrive at checkpoint 3, 26.6 miles! Sue asks how I'm doing, I have a big grin on my messed up face, I've ok I say,...but am I ? Mick suggests that maybe I should stop. No I want to carry on I say, I take a wonderful chocolate homemade cookie, 2 wraps some coke with the GU tablet and walk out of the checkpoint. Mick tries to reason me and tell me we need to carry on faster if we want to catch the bus. It's downing on me, I can't make it not like that not with that extra pressure I put with this stupid bus! Not with the thought that I have to manage this new pain without looking pained to not make Mick bad! It was supposed to be OUR run! It's such a struggle in this bubble that I'm walking. Should I carry on? Stop? Admit I can't handle this?
I look at Mick and know. There is too much in my head to process. My pride got me where I am now, I can carry on even thou I'm hurt but am I doing any good?
We have our 3 month break coming up . What if I carry on and injure myself even more and make that can't run anymore? Is finishing really worth it at that point?
I always wondered how people DNF and how it feels. What I feel inside is horrible and creepy but the fact that little voice is not saying anything is even more creepy ! That voice is the one that keeps me going because I want to prove it wrong! But if she is not saying anything, what does that mean?
I hear myself say to Mick I'm stopping that he needs to carry on if he wants to make it to the 6 pm bus and I'll wait for him at the finish line. He says it's the wise thing to do . Wise heh? Wise doesn't feel good! I say maybe I could carry on at least to the next checkpoint he says that's my pride talking. I say I don't want to give up I never give up he says maybe that's why I'm injured like I am,I say I can handle the pain but can't handle his pained looks he says he can't help it. I'll probably have that same face if it was the other way around. He asks if I can truly carry on and go faster I shake no with my head, I said I can carry on but not as fast he says that I won't catch the 6 pm bus...why did I talk about this stupid 6 pm bus! I know he wants to catch it I know I'm going too slow. I also know that he won't admit not to hurt me so I stop and tell him to continue without me! I look at him disappearing in the distance and don't know what to do with myself. Am I really stopping? Maybe I could just carry on? I text him asking him if he would be mad if I carry on?
I sit on the side walk of the bridge and ponder. But reflecting is too much so I decide to run away from it all towards the next checkpoint! But my body's responses doesn't follow my mind! It says no so loudly that the only way I am able to make a step is my walking back! I'm doing what I thought was the walk of shame to CP3 but all of the runners I cross give me a smile a word a look of understanding. Some guy looks at me with a big grin...it's Benjamin!!! I'm so happy to see him and put a brave face on ! No one needs to take one burden and feel bad about it! They've got another 40 km to go! When I get to the CP, Sue doesn't believe me and make me sit on the chair saying that I'll change my mind in 10 min! If she only knew that my mind wants to carry on but not my body. I can't put words together so I just sit there and let that horrible feeling sink in.
Lesson 9: don't beat yourself up with a DNF. There is a reason for everything occurring . You just get to find it out down the life line.
Sue comes back to get some dude beside me a ride to the finish. I hear myself ask if I can come with them. She looks at me and say yes, she is disappointed and I can't blame her.
I am too.
After a car ride where Becky and Sue help with not thinking about the DNF too much and my pained back is giving me some we arrived at the finish line. It's sad looking with not many people until Nici and the other volunteers get busy with the finish line prep and the drop bag drama! It keeps the pain and feelings away as I help with the preparation. At first they tell me not too, I'm injured and shouldn't put more strain on my body, but Natasha big grin and funny comments are the best remedy for a strained mind. I need to keep myself busy to not think too much about what I've done and make my body understand that this is not over! That there is no rest after failure! I need to give back to the ultra running family that got me there in the first place. After sorting out the drop bags, I end up give the t-shirts to the finishers and seeing their happy face, smile and emotions bring back that sparkle! And seeing Mick at the finish line 30 min before the 6pm bus is the cherry of top! just made the DNF a bit sweeter to digest!
Ultra running is massive, you don't need to know who the people are, what they do, what they've endured to get there because at the end of the day, we are all here to make a journey, with a start and a finish. The route is not what makes a race organisation popular but the volunteers that give back that sparkle to tired runners. So many thank you are plastered on the centurion race community page from both aisles of the trail that makes you want to give back 10 folds.
So there my final lesson:
Lesson 10: nothing beats the sparkle ! Not even a DNF!
When I posted my DNF on Facebook, I didn't want people to feel sorry for me because beside a kick in the pride, at some point you get over it.
It didn't take me long as "Lion crown" Glynn comment was "there is no kind words that will make you feel better, some people will and some people wont know how your feeling now, the feeling also doesn't go. I have felt your sadness too. Some day everyone's luck runs out :) great running to date"
That comment made me realise that yes I've been lucky to get this far with so many injuries , that the people who know how I feel are part of the sparkle that ultra running community brings, and the ones who don't still show the care needed to mend the heart. And that actually the sadness goes away when you know that you lost a fight not the battle :) because there is much more lessons to learn just some miles always ! And some more hills to conquer!
